Dear Daughter Pt.9

Dear Daughter,

Yesterday, we went to a playschool for your trial class. See, mummy and daddy wants to see if you are ready for playschool. We were thinking of enrolling you first to their Summer Playschool Session before evaluating if we will enroll you full term.

Mummy, being a digital practitioner, searched for possible playschools for you to try. My search ended up with two possible playschools for you; Junior Explorers Playschool and Cradle. After discussing with your daddy, we chose to have you try out Cradle first.

Location was an important factor for us, plus, as daddy pointed out, it had more positive reviews online vs. Junior Explorers Playschool.

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Mummy was super excited for you to visit playschool, with a bit of nervousness of course. I didn’t know if you would let me leave you with teachers and students. I didn’t know what to do if you will cry when I leave you. Maybe this was why I had a hard time sleeping the night before your big day. I kept thinking of different scenarios over and over. I blame the strat brain that I have, which has a tendency to overthink and plan as much as I can.

The day finally came. We woke up a bit late, but I ensured you felt great. I started playing the Spotify playlist we made especially for you, with nothing but your favorite Nursery Rhymes.

You had no clue that you will go to school that day. I think, you just thought that mummy will take you somewhere. You were still playing with your box when I asked you to wear your shoes. You just smiled at me, with the usual twinkle in your eye when we go out together.

I asked you to wear your bag and briefed you (how agency talk of mummy) that we will go somewhere fun, where you will meet your teacher and new friends. Your lolo was super excited, perhaps more excited than mummu. He walked you to the gate and proudly said that his little girl will go to school.

I went inside your Lolo Odie’s tryke first, he was our service to Cradle. You soon followed me when you and your lolo were done saying goodbyes.

On the ride to Cradle, you seemed to be nervous. I noticed that you were clingy, you were looking at me as if asking why I asked you to wear a backpack and why I was looking at you differently.

Love, I think you were worried for mummy. At one point in our ride to Cradle you reached for my hand and held it tight. After that you rested your head on my lap as if trying to make me feel better. You see, I couldn’t fathom that the little bunny I once carried on my chest all night long is going to playschool. I know, it is just a trial class. I knew though that if everything went well, we might enroll you full term and that it will start a new phase in our lives. Oh my bunny, it is a big milestone for us.

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You held my hand tight gently squeezing my fingers. You were smiling at me and pointing things that you saw on the ride to playschool. It was as if you were silently telling mommy, it is okay, that you are still my little girl.

When we got there, I lead you inside and knocked on the door. Three heavy knocks on my heart echoed, this was the start of your schooling phase.

Teacher opened the door and asked us to take off our shoes. She asked us to wait for a while, while she called on your teacher for the trial class. All that time you never let go of my hand. You started to look around the room, breathing in the atmosphere where laughter of little ones like you echoed. You were starting to smile, even if you knew nobody but mommy.

Your teacher finally came out and said hi to both of us. She was very direct to mummy, she told me that I had to leave wait outside until your trial class ended. She also told me that you will cry, but she assured me that it is normal. You will be with other kids your age and there were two to three teachers present for your class.

She asked me to leave your snacks inside, which I did together with your red Hello Kitty Eco Bottle. I had to let go of your hand while I fixed your things. This was when teacher asked mummy to fill up something.

While I was signing their trial logbook, she held your hand and led you to your classroom. She introduced herself and the two other teachers. Oh love, it was so hard for mummy to not look back and call you. It happened oh so fast, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I knew it would be more difficult for you if I did. I knew that it will increase the chances of you throwing a fit if I tried to get your attention just to bid goodbye.

With a lump in my throat and my heart, I went outside and left you with them. I wanted to cry, bunny. I wanted to go back in and hug you, my little girl. But I didn’t hear you cry, you didn’t need any distraction from mummy.

I patiently waited for you outside. 2 hours went by fast. I was chatting with daddy and ninang Jaja. I started writing this post and checking updates on Facebook.

I heard your class saying goodbyes so I knew you will be coming out anytime soon. It was such a sight to see that your class of six lined up to go out. You were in a straight line, hand over your other classmate’s shoulder. A smile was painted on mummy’s face, you were perfect in my eyes. What made mommy extra proud was the very good star stamp on your right back hand. When did you start growing up so fast, love? I wanted to pause that moment and preserve it in my memory forever.

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Teacher asked me to go inside for your assessment. So I stood up quickly after giving you a kiss on your forehead. I looked at you differently that time, my tiny human is now a tiny school girl.

Teacher told me that you did cry, midclass. You joined the first activity but you got a bit distracted when a teacher left the room. Teacher said that maybe, you thought class was over and you will get to see mummy. But overall, she said you did great.

It seems as if you are ready for school. Mummy however, isn’t ready for your big leap to playschool. I will let you be, because you seem to be ready and we know that it will be best for you. I must accept that you are growing up, fast so damn fast for me to catch up with you.

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Oh bunny, I love you so so much. Mummy is an emotional mess but you are awesome. And bunny, I am so so proud of you. I know also that you are proud of your achievement, you show off your star stamp every chance you get. Please please please stay the same. I love you forever, my little bunny.

Dear Daughter Pt 8

Dear Daughter,

This Sunday I will be celebrating my 3rd Mother’s Day. The first one was when I was pregnant with you. the second one was last year, and the third one this year. I still have no idea if I am doing well with this motherhood thing, but I know one thing for sure and that is I need you as much, or at times more, than you need me.

I realized this when I read this note from Breastfeeding Mama Talk’s Facebook Page:

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At first I thought it was a letter or a note from a baby to her mama, but it was from a mama to her little nursling. This made me tear up and realize that I cannot imagine the day when you won’t welcome me home with big loving eyes looking at me as if saying momma I need my milky. I cannot imagine the day when our bonding activity would not be a thirty minute nursing session. I know that the time will come when you will wean, but not now. I need you, I need the comfort that our nursing session brings, the calm it gives whenever my world at work becomes crazy, the way it reminds me that whatever I do I’m your momma and you need me so.

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At times I doubt if you will still need me even after you have weaned off of milky, but your dada repeatedly tells me that it is not true that whatever happens you will still look for momma. My love, I need you as much as you need me, I may not show it at times but I need your embrace to remind me that a simple hug can make everything feel better. I need your tiny kisses to remind me how much you love momma. Even our silly playtime brings so much joy to me because it allows momma to be silly again, to be a child again by seeing things from your perspective. I need you to remind me that what I do matters. I need you because you provide momma the comfort I need whenever I feel down or drained from work.

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Oh my daughter, you have changed so much in my life and I know that it is not just my life that you have changed, but that of your dada’s as well. You have given more meaning to our lives and we are forever grateful for that. We will forever treasure our memories my love. I will keep this letter short and sweet because I might end up crying and waking you up.

 

Love,

Momma

 

Dear Daughter Pt 7

Dear Daughter,

It has been awhile since I last wrote you a letter, mum has been busy being mum and sneaking momentary breaks has proven to be harder.

The fact is I realized now more than ever than mummy is your security blankie, I am your binky. At first I thought it was monkey from nong nong or dragoncorn from the castle of ikea but no it is me.

And that said every time i leave your side at night results to a crying fit which can wake up everybody in our home. At times I find it cute at times frustrating especially when i need to pee but then i see you and it all goes away. I just sneak away quickly or resort to carrying you with me inside the restroom while i pee. Now that I write it,it sounds super funny something straight out of memes i see but it is a real thing.

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Now more than ever you test mummy. You know what makes me smile and you try out different things to discover what makes me frown. When i do so and say no you turn your smile upside down, breathe deeply and burst into tears. This also happens when i scold you and say no, believe me love when i say that that is hard but i have to.

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It breaks my heart when you cry but I need to be mummy. I remember when i said no to you a few nights ago you cried and ran to your granny for comfort. I said no because you were playing with the electric wire silly bunny. I said no because i didn’t want you to get hurt. I said no to save you from harm. Of course in your mind it is just mummy being kj mummy being no-fun.

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It hurt my heart when you ran to granny for comfort and when you tried as much as you can not to notice mummy even when i was just a few inches away from you. I waited for your anger to subside and perhaps for you to understand that mummy just wanted you to be safe from harm. It felt like a decade waiting for you to approach me but when you did you asked me to carry you. I did and you hugged mummy oh so tight, with your head resting on my heart, your hand enveloping my shoulders. You stayed that way for almost half an hour and i knew it was your way of saying mummy I’m sorry.

Oh bunny how that made mummy’s heart leap. That somehow you understood me that you are now learning how to say sorry. I am so proud of you my love because you are becoming a good girl with a big heart.

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For now i will end my letter, i am still in transit from the Facebook Ph launch stuck in a van on the way home. I will see you real soon and I promise to hug you back with kisses forever and ever.

Love,

Mummy

Dear Daughter Pt.6

Dear Daughter,

Earlier this morning, you woke up without the usual smile on your face. This just means that you will be a bit cranky versus your usual self. Even if that is the case, mommy still loves you. It is normal to have an off day. It is normal to sometimes feel sad or frustrated even if nothing has happened yet. This is what being a human being entails, a splash of happiness with a dash of sadness to produce a colorful rainbow that is called life.

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I don’t want to lie to you and let you believe that everything will always have a happily ever after ending. Yes my love it is possible but with hard work and determination. Partly I think that is the reason why I allowed you to cry it out when you got cranky because mommy didn’t allow you to take a stroll outside (baby it was too early). Your dad and your lolo, of course, came to your rescue trying to pacify you. I stopped them and told them to allow you to cry it out. I told your dada that I want you to finish crying so I can explain to you why you got frustrated. See, I wanted you to discover and understand your emotions. It won’t always be the same happy sunny side you will have your moments.

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Your dada listened to me and gave you space. I was sitting on the floor with you. You with your face buried between my legs. I patted your back slowly and ever so gently telling you that it is okay. I continued whispering to your ear that it is okay to cry and feel sad because you didn’t get what you want. You have to learn that not everything will be handed to you on a silver platter.

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After a few minutes your tears stopped falling, and I wiped each tear on your face to reveal your beautiful face. I smiled and told you again that it is okay. I picked you up and hugged you ever so tightly. At this time you settled down but hugged me so closely and rested your face on my chest.

Oh my love how I wish you knew how hard it is for me to resist your requests but I can’t give you everything that you ask for. You are now at the age when you start learning what is right from wrong. The power of your tears and the power that mommy has to say yes and no. It is hard to resist you especially because I am out for 11 hours every weekday, but I know that giving in is bad as well. Please understand mommy that I am doing this just for you as well. I love you forever, forever you will be my love.

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I will see you soon, and I hope that you welcome me with a big hug and a huge smile on your face.

Dear Daughter Pt. 5

Dear Daughter,

If you guessed that mommy is writing this while you and your papa is sleeping, you are right. I think this is because I clear my mind at night and most often than not writing helps me (except when mum is watching series).

The past few weeks went by so fast, just like how you grew up so fast. A lot of things happened that mum did not expect, good ones and bad ones which helped mum become a bit more stronger. At times I get home feeling so tired, but the sight of you welcoming me with arms wide open is more than enough to rid my weary mind of worries.

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My love, you and your papa are my saviors. You remind me that life happens but that I have the both of you to come home to. I have both of you to comfort me and welcome me. There are times when I forget this bit of truth, but everything changes when I come home to you, to my world, my everything.1

 

You and your papa are my universe. The two most important people in my life. You my inspiration and your papa my rock. I know that some people would say that it is usually women as the steady rock foundation of the family, but for ours it is your papa. He does not know it, but I am a bit of a mess without him. I might go on and on always about the room being messy or his no mobile phone phobia, but really he is our rock.

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At times that you get sick, my mind goes bonkers and he will be there telling me that everything would be okay. At times when I become over protective he will whisper to my ear that I should let you play because you need to learn how to rise up when you fall. When I get cranky due to my hormones, he knows when to back off and when to be extra sweet. Whenever I tell him of my wild dreams, he pushes mum to go for it. And whenever mum has a bad day he would always lend an ear to listen out and and his chest for mum to lean on. This is true for you too. You always have him to lean on.

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Love, when you grow up remember that he is our rock. Our steady and calm rock. He believes in the best without expecting anything. He believes in our dreams and knows how to push forward to achieve it.

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When you grow up, remember that my love.

That is all for now cause mum needs to drift off to sleep as well.

I love you always, forever.

Love,

Mum

Dear Daughter Pt. 4

Dear Bunny,

I think I have the habit of sneaking off to my writer zone when you and your papa are snoring (well it’s mostly him) away with your minds in dreamland. I just celebrated my 27th birthday love, but it feels as though my birthday shifted to your birthday. I know bun, doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Simply put, I celebrate whenever it is your birthday. Why? Because that was when a new big chunk of my life started and the new version of myself was born.

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I know, I know, it is such a cliche that mommy is telling you that the quote “When a Baby is Born, A Mother is Born” is true. It is darling, it is. The whole pregnancy part didn’t really change much of mommy.

from trendcelebrity2014.blogspot.com

from trendcelebrity2014.blogspot.com

I was still obsessed with work, clocking in at 9 AM and leaving at 7 PM, or when your papa decides to bug me so that I go home. Even if I get home I would check my email as if it was my Facebook NewsFeed, refreshing it every 10 minutes to make sure that I don’t miss any important mail. The epitome of this obsession would be when I was already in labor and was still emailing your Tita Colleen and Tita Anj. I think they panicked when I told them that I would not be able to reply because I was in labor already, not because of the I won’t be able to reply part but because I was in labor and I was still emailing them.

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This changed when I saw you. You were number one, you were my priority. Up until today, I don’t mind skipping meals or holding in my pee if you needed me.

 

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At night, I would try to squeeze in a 5 minute shower but if you decided to be clingy, like today, I would only be able to do that when you and your papa are sound asleep. I don’t mind getting wet whenever it is your bath time, even if half of my body is wet because you like playing with water so much. At night, when you have your unli-latch marathon I don’t mind ignoring the thirst I feel as if I walked across the desert (great thing is I can bug your papa to fetch me a glass of water)!

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You made this workaholic, email obsessed lady into a mom. I still have goals (because even moms can achieve career goals remember that love) and there are times that I turn off the mom side of me, but for much of my time I am your mom. Yes I still email at 2 AM and work on presentations at 12 AM, but when I hear you cry I immediately drop everything to be by your side. When you got sick with the stomach boo-boo flu mommy stayed at home for almost a week. I couldn’t leave you at home because I know you needed mommy so. When your milk stash ran out, I notified my bosses and packed all of my stuff. Now I am a career oriented woman who knows how to identify what is important and what can be put off.

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Love, you gave my life so much meaning (I’m probably like your favorite CD – talon na ng talon dahil paulit ulit). You gave me further determination to succeed in life and to be the better version of myself. That is why I feel that my birthday is also the same day as your birthday.

Forever I love you,

Mum

Dear Daughter Pt. 3

Hi Bunny,

Same with my second letter to  you, I write this while you are sleeping beside me (with the AC’s hum and your papa’s snore as my background music). Oh how time flew by so fast. On Tuesday you will be turning 11 months old, and just one more month until you turn a year old! I didn’t really think that time will pass us by so fast. Even though I never missed any of your big firsts, but I still want to push the pause button if that exists. I don’t want you to grow up so fast. I want you to stay tiny, always needing mommy, always asking for milky, always smiling and not worrying about big girl problems.

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I know that I am thinking way ahead, your papa would always tell me that my mind wanders off too much to the future that I sometimes let the moment pass by. I am just worried that you won’t need mummy as much when you turn a year old. I just worry that the hugsies and kissies (gummy kissies) will disappear. I worry that you wouldn’t be as attached to me because you won’t need milky that much. Your papa told me that I am worrying about trivial things, that you my little bunny, will still need mummy. That you don’t just need me because of your milky. Well, enough of me worrying about silly things then.

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Oh my little bunny, mummy started thinking about those things because you achieved so many milestones the past few weeks. Your first step towards your papa (which is so awesome because I know that he will remember that forever and because it happened with just the two of us in the room), the first time you fed yourself, your first independent sip from your sippy cup, your first clap, your first trick or treat, and your attempt to mimic head, shoulders, knees and toes (but really just reaching your head and your knees because your big chunky arm is on the way of your tiny hands reaching your shoulder!

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You make mummy so proud with each first you achieve, even if you look like you rolled on a bed of rice or squash, it is okay. It’s all part of your tiny step to independence. Just always remember that mummy will be here for you no matter what. I will drop everything just to be by your side when you need me, day or night.

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I love you from the moon and back.

Mummy

Dear Daughter Pt. 2

Dear Daughter,

As I write this second letter to you, you sleep beside me peacefully as if reminding mommy that whatever happens we all get a reset button at night and wake up the next morning feeling a bit more hopeful that things will be better.

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I decided to write you another letter after seeing a question posted on my Facebook Newsfeed. It was from one of momma’s mentors. The question was simple but very eye opening: What keeps you hopeful about the future of our country?

The answer came to me oh-so quickly, the everyday heroes who worked hard for the future of their family and you. You my little one.

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You keep momma going, always striving to be a better version of myself day in and day out. Not because I want to be this woman who is hailed by her colleagues as a super woman, but because I want you to be proud of me. I want to set up a good example for you, but not setting up an environment of extreme pressure. I just want you to see that you do not need to pretend to be somebody else, you do not need to study any specific course, you do not need to think about money, you just need to follow your heart and find the one thing you are passionate about. Once you find that spark that motivates you to continue learning and playing, you will do good. Oh I know it will be further down the road, but I want you to know that I will provide you, we will provide you the support system that you need.

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Oh my little one, you keep me inspired day in and day out. You keep me smiling and laughing with your silly little gestures. The gaze you have whenever you nurse makes momma’s heart melt, I guess that is why you are my source of hope. Your eyes, so innocent and so wide as if saying momma you are the best. Your little laughs whenever you make fun of your face or whenever we tickle you fills any room with utter joy that we just cannot explain. Your little rain face, so cute so playful. You did it over and over again tonight, you know. I whispered to your dad that I think the reason why you were doing it over and over again was because it made momma laugh. You repeated it for almost 20 minutes, you silly little girl. You even did it while you were nursing! Even if you were half asleep you still repeated it over and over again, until finally I had to scold you for you to stop.

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Your dad and I think that you missed momma so much that is why you continue doing things that make momma smile and laugh. I’m so sorry I had to stay away from your for more than a week. Momma had chicken pox that is why daddy advised me that I can’t carry you or kiss you goodnight. It was as if I was instructed to not drink or breathe, bunny. But I had to for you.

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I will keep this letter short little bunny. You changed me, before I needed yoga sessions to keep my cool but now one look at you and your little smile can keep me calm and motivated all day long. I love you forever, I love you always, forever and always you are mommy’s little girl

Love,

Mommy