So I was right, I was on the peak of my PMS yesterday, but I still feel a hint of resentment towards my mom. I hope that you wouldn’t judge me but it’s hard to always be the nice one. I think that I reached the point wherein I got tired of trying to be there for her, of trying to make her feel better, of trying to be the perfect daughter. I reached the point wherein I feel the need to give myself time to breathe, a time for myself to rest.
What I want her to understand is that I wouldn’t always be here for her, for them. Ultimately I will move on and have my own life, my own family to take care of. And I can’t start my way in becoming independent when she keeps on pulling me back to her nest. Yes, I understand that she is sick, but until when will she tune out of reality? Until when will she depend on all of us to make herself happy? Until when will she be in her state of limbo holding us all back?
Yes, I may sound selfish, but perhaps this is because I am tired. It’s not easy to have responsibilities that you are obligated to have, when in fact I should only be responsible of myself. You see, I believe in the fact that we are not to be held liable of giving our parents anything when we start working. It should be a decision from our side, not imposed from their side. We have our own lives, and when we start working that’s when we start to be accountable for ourselves. This is the time when we should do whatever it is that we want to do, travel to our heart’s desire and buy things that we want and work hard for. However, not everybody is entitled to this. There are people my age who are lucky because they get to do whatever they want, their salary is their own, and they are accountable for themselves only. But me, half of everything I earn goes to my imposed responsibilities. Perhaps the reason why I am being like this is because I know that I am not getting any younger and the thought of not having any savings is just scary.
I want to save, but I can’t because I have to answer to my responsibilities at home. But now I realized that it can’t always be like this. I have to eventually break free and be accountable for myself only. I have no idea how I will do this, but perhaps I’ll start by talking to my mom again. I know that she is sick, but I also know that she understands what I’m saying. She has to understand that I am not getting any younger, and that I will eventually move out.