My life is like a telenovela, I’m not kidding. At times I would wonder at loud if I’m just having a bad dream and if somebody can wake me up, but no one ever did. Like everybody, I have my ups and downs, but sometimes the downs are too much for me to bear that I lose sight of the ups that happened to my life.
I may be over-dramatic today, this night, because I’m PMS-ing and I’m left to babysit my mom. But sometimes I just can’t fathom why certain things happen to me. Yes, I do understand that things happen for a reason, but when will I know what that reason is? Can’t I not have a dramatic year, wherein everything will go well? Is it too much to ask? Or am I constantly going through these challenges in preparation for a bigger challenge? Because when good things happen to me, I sometimes feel that something bad will happen soon (similar to what Jenna feels – from Awkward)
Perhaps I’m having an early quarter life crisis, and all of my issues are rising up. I don’t know, but writing about it certainly helps me clear my mind and look forward to better things in life. I mean, I just have my random moments wherein I feel bad and alone. I want to blame somebody, but I don’t know who to put the blame too.
I’m mad at my mom, for giving up, for falling down when everything is getting better. I feel as though she is cheating because my brother and I should be having the time of our lives, but instead we are locked up in the reversal of roles that we can no longer escape. I’m mad at her, because after everything that we have done, she still chose to be sad, to be on mute. Yes, I understand that she is depressed, but as my grandmother said we are in charge – ultimately getting better is a choice that we have to make no amount of meds and support can ever make a person better, they have to make that choice.
So yes, I have an issue with my mom and I have an internal conflict happening in my heart and in my mind because I love her and all of my friends know that, but at the same time I am mad at her for giving up and for choosing to not be happy. I want to feel better, I want to not be mad at her, but knowing how I process, I would need time to heal and to accept that she is my mom, no matter what happens.
For now, I’ll just listen to this song over and over…